The Surprising Purpose of Anger
Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift by Marshall B. Rosenberg
BOOK REVIEW
Shriya Srinivas
“Anger is a wake-up call that a need of ours is not being met." — Marshall B. Rosenberg
This review dives into how Non-Violent Communication (NVC) transforms our most destructive emotion into a powerful tool for self-compassion and deeper connection.
We have all experienced anger in varying degrees throughout our lives. Sometimes we have acted upon it and sometimes we have chosen not to let it overpower us. Therefore, the outcomes for the two scenarios have also been vastly different. This book, by Marshall B. Rosenberg, is a critical analysis into a pivotal concept called Non-violent communication (NVC) which dissects the cause, action and reaction around anger and how the same destructive emotion could be constructively used. The most interesting idea about this book is that the author emphasizes confronting anger as an emotion rather than suppressing or avoiding it as most anger management theories and proponents talk about.
Rosenberg argues that, almost always, anger signifies unmet needs and when one learns to introspectively address those needs, the focus is shifted from judgment to compassion. For instance, he speaks about an inmate who has a violent confrontation with the prison guard upon not receiving something that was asked for multiple times. The author uses this example, amongst others, to help the readers gain the perspective that the violent confrontation was a result of the inmate’s unmet needs, which manifested itself in the form of judgment about the prison guard’s unfair behavior. Once we learn to address those needs, we are in a better position to communicate without bias, therefore avoiding any unnecessary escalation or anger outbursts.
He goes on to further analyze that since anger as an emotion is what points us towards those critical, and many times camouflaged needs, it is a powerful tool in our arsenal. By changing our initial reaction to anger from analyzing the cause of others’ behavior to one’s own underlying emotion, we extend compassion to ourselves and establish clear and confident communication. This lifts the fog from our idea of why someone’s action triggered us by moving the focus from them to us.
While on one hand the book is highly optimistic about using anger for self-reflection and positive communication, as a reader, one is bound to find the message highly theoretical. The beauty of human behavior lies much in its imperfection and impulsiveness as much as it lies in its sharp social and emotional cognizance. At a little shy of 50 pages, this book is great food for thought and introspection.