The Blame Game - Why It Hurts & How to Stop Playing
Intelligent Living
RIDDHI KRISHNAN, DUBLIN, CA
On the surface, blaming is simply assigning someone responsibility for a fault or a wrong. When we dive deeper, it is the mechanism humans use to discharge discomfort and pain. But how is it bad? And, more importantly, how do we stop? To find a solution, we need to look deeper to uncover our own feelings and needs.
When problems arise under stress, our first reaction might be to let self-blame take over. We might consistently blame ourselves for issues present and our negative feelings. This is one of the worst states for our minds! We isolate ourselves, forcing a state of hopelessness and self-pity.
Another state of mind could be that we tend to blame others for our problems and emotions. This is still not ideal, as the moment we think our feelings are caused by something outside of us, we land in a state of helplessness.
How do we achieve the best state of mind?
For a peaceful state of mind, the key idea to recognize is that others do not cause our feelings. Our needs cause our feelings, and sometimes those needs are not sufficiently met by others. The unmet need is the real problem. So, instead of jumping to blame ourselves or others for what went wrong, let’s take an alternate stance.
1. Recognize and name the negative feeling that is present within us.
2. Process the feeling.
3. Connect the feeling to our unmet need.
4. Recognize that while others’ actions or words may trigger our emotions, the true cause of our negative feelings is our own unmet need
5. Identify a solution.
Solutions should include effectively and assertively communicating our needs in a clear, appropriate tone, and, voice.
An example: You and a peer are working together on a group project. You open the assignment, only to find out that your partner didn’t do any of their assigned jobs. You yell at your partner: “You’re always so lazy! Why do you never work?” Here, your language and tone create a disconnect, and your partner only sees the blame and not your own need. A clearer way of communicating would be: “I’m starting to feel stressed because the deadline is close, and some parts of the project still aren’t done. Let’s plan how to complete the project together!” In this way, you don’t use the wrong tone/voice, and you are clearly expressing your feeling and the unmet need.
When we are aware of our needs, we can recover from problems and implement solutions more efficiently. Additionally, when we don’t blame others for causing problems, they are more likely to take accountability and admit to/apologize for mistakes that they have made. So, avoiding blame not only creates a better state of mind for us but also fosters a more cooperative environment for everyone.
To conclude, we cannot place the responsibility of our emotions on someone else. Others’ words or actions may trigger what we feel, but the true cause lies in our own unmet needs. When we recognize this, we become more attuned to our inner world and more respectful of our own needs. And the best part? This understanding puts us back in the driver’s seat. It means we have the power to change the situation.
What could be more empowering than that?
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